Another Side of Motherhood

Oof, it has been a while. To start off I wasn’t really sure that I planned on talking about this but last night I couldn’t sleep and I felt like I was being pushed to share so bear with me. I actually wrote the whole thing in my head as I laid in bed so we will see if that will translate to actually typing it out. I’ve really missed writing but have felt a bit of the comparison game set in so anytime I went to write something, I chickened out. So here we are ripping off the band-aid with one of the most personal things that I’ve talked about and that most people don’t know.

I believe I mentioned this before a few years ago but it took us a while to get pregnant with Boston. I don’t remember exactly how long but it was a couple of years. We had decided to see a fertility doctor if we weren’t pregnant by the following Mother’s Day but that next month, I was pregnant. Everything went pretty smooth with the pregnancy and I am so grateful for that.

I’ve always wanted more than one but I also knew I wanted to wait a bit after having Boston before trying again. I felt like waiting allowed us to really soak things up with him and I know everyone is different but it was right for our family. Fast forward to 2022, we decided to start trying again. After about 6 months, I knew I was pregnant, my boobs were really sore and so I took a test and sure enough! Pregnant! It was really so exciting because it happened so much faster than we expected and it really would’ve been such fun timing.

Unfortunately, I ended up miscarrying on Boston’s 3rd birthday while we were on vacation in California. That was roughhhhh. Not only is having a miscarriage hard enough but traveling back across the country and having to deal with the aftereffects and what your body goes thru while traveling was so hard. It was a heartbreaking reminder that you really never know what the person next to you is battling. After we got home, I had an ultrasound to confirm and then the grieving process started. Even during the crying and heartbreak, I knew I wanted to continue trying and as soon as I was able to, per my doctor. And at one point, I had all of the symptoms of being pregnant along with a positive test but I miscarried again. I never went to the doctor to confirm because I wasn’t as far along but everything was similar to the first one.

So month after month after month, it’s been negative tests since the miscarriages. Finally, after doing some research of my own (shoutout Dr. Google), I realized I had many symptoms of PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and made an appointment with my gynecologist to confirm. If you aren’t familiar PCOS is described in different ways but mainly as having fluid filled sacs on your ovaries. It can cause irregular periods, painful periods, acne, miscarriages, and infertility, among other things. I’ve always had irregular periods so it was hard to track ovulation but now knowing I have PCOS, not only are they irregular but chances are I’m not releasing an egg each month. After some blood tests and an ultrasound, it was confirmed by my gynecologist and she referred me to a fertility doctor.

Fast forward to now, we are currently in the thick of fertility treatments and oof…it is hard. It is a secret, lonely club that nobody wants to be a part of. At this point, we are in the earlier stages of our second treatment and I don’t want to share exactly what treatments we chose because I don’t know how long we will continue with this process. It is not only hard physically, mentally, and emotionally but also financially. I don’t think a lot of people realize that fertility treatments aren’t covered by most insurances so it’s fricken hard all around.

Just writing that last paragraph has my stomach feeling sick and tears in my eyes. I also feel a little weight off my shoulder because it’s been weighing on me so heavily. Lots of doctors appointments, medications, shots, ultrasounds, its a lot. Not just for me but for Anthony, too. I am so grateful to have him because even though he feels the sadness and heartache that I do, he’s been right there to support me however I need it.

It really can be the loneliest journey and I feel for all you who are in the thick of it as well. If you’re reading this and struggling, please reach out, I would love to chat. And if you made it this far, thank you. It really means a lot.